Everything's just been rough these past few days and I'm honestly trying my best to look upbeat and positive about every situation I find myself in. But when I'm in the safety of the dark, I find myself wiping away a tear or two.
- I'm sorry I can't be as strong as a christian like you.
I admit I haven't been trying my best to be Christ-like this month. Feels like I'm going back to my old ways, swearing and all. I feel like a hypocrite when I go to church, my reason for going is starting to change. I wanna go back to the old me, who's simple reason for going church is to praise Him and to learn more about Him. So, I made a promise to myself today, to be more involved in God's word and to try to listen for Him. I still stand for my favourite phrase: For not my will, but Yours be done.
- I'm sorry I can't get the grades that you want.
Just because I go for dance, does not mean my grades will drop. Sure I have lesser time to study than others who don't have CCA commitments, but that doesn't mean I won't try as hard. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as your eldest. I didn't go to JC, I may not be able to go into uni, my boyfriend may not be a PHD like her's, my future doesn't seem bright. Since young, you've compared me to her and you've only spoken to others about her. Aren't you tired of that? Because I sure am.
- I'm sorry I can't have the friends you want me to.
There's one thing I can't stand and that's when people who don't know the people I hang out with, judge them. Sorry to say but my dance girls are the closest friends to me in poly, and they are honestly one of my greatest blessing. I would never have survived all the hectic trainings without them, without their playfulness and encouragement. I turn to the one you don't approve of the most; my yalam. She's the one I always run to and understands me, unlike you. All you did was discourage me, telling me I'm wasting my time, pushing my morale down further than it already was. Why is it so hard to earn a compliment, earn a little support from you?
You say they don't seem proper, they don't seem like their grades are good, they smoke. On the contrary, I'm one of the wildest among them and we don't do any bad. If anything, they bring out the happiest side of me, and that's why I'd rather go for dance than stay home.
- I'm sorry for him being in my life.
He may have caused a lot of stress to you and I really am truly apologetic for what happened. He's already feeling really guilty about it and I don't want him to feel worse by telling him that you told me to stay away from him, that I can't even go out for simple lunches and dinners with him. He who brought the most laughter and smiles from your daughter. It's no surprise you can't see that because you can't even see that I don't even want to be in the same room as you. I've confessed my sins and repented, feeling stripped away after service today but got reminded of everything again at night. I want to be a new person who seeks first the kingdom of God and it would really help if you just simply forget about the past. I know you mean well by telling me to be careful but the truth is that, you simply have no faith in me; that I know my limits, that I know what I can and cannot do.
With others, I'm actually of worth. With you, I''m so little. So I'm sorry (not sorry) that I'm just going to keep things to myself from now on. You'll never know the details of my life anymore, only that I'm alive and still not enough to satisfy you.
