unimportant

Been a few days, feeling the same all the time.

So insignificant, unneeded, irrelevant, unimportant.

I wanna keep it in, yet I wanna let it out at the same time.
I hate feeling like this and I've been trying to stop it by keeping myself busy all the time - dancing, reading, assignments, friends.
But at the end of the day, I realize I just miss him.
I miss him terribly.
I feel so distant from him and all I'm asking for is time to spend together.

Can I just be selfish for once?
Don't meet your friends.
Skip class with me.
Skype me even though you have to study.
Be with me for longer than 5 minutes without having to rush to someplace else.
Long enough for actual conversations to take place.
Longer than a 30 seconds hug.
Longer than a second's kiss.

But I heard that when you love someone, you have to think of them before yourself.
So I'll just be on the sidelines, keeping quiet.

And I'm sorry for needing you more than you need me.

insatiable

Everything's just been rough these past few days and I'm honestly trying my best to look upbeat and positive about every situation I find myself in. But when I'm in the safety of the dark, I find myself wiping away a tear or two.

- I'm sorry I can't be as strong as a christian like you.

I admit I haven't been trying my best to be Christ-like this month. Feels like I'm going back to my old ways, swearing and all. I feel like a hypocrite when I go to church, my reason for going is starting to change. I wanna go back to the old me, who's simple reason for going church is to praise Him and to learn more about Him. So, I made a promise to myself today, to be more involved in God's word and to try to listen for Him. I still stand for my favourite phrase: For not my will, but Yours be done. 

- I'm sorry I can't get the grades that you want.

Just because I go for dance, does not mean my grades will drop. Sure I have lesser time to study than others who don't have CCA commitments, but that doesn't mean I won't try as hard. I'm sorry I'm not as smart as your eldest. I didn't go to JC, I may not be able to go into uni, my boyfriend may not be a PHD like her's, my future doesn't seem bright. Since young, you've compared me to her and you've only spoken to others about her. Aren't you tired of that? Because I sure am.

- I'm sorry I can't have the friends you want me to.

There's one thing I can't stand and that's when people who don't know the people I hang out with, judge them. Sorry to say but my dance girls are the closest friends to me in poly, and they are honestly one of my greatest blessing. I would never have survived all the hectic trainings without them, without their playfulness and encouragement. I turn to the one you don't approve of the most; my yalam. She's the one I always run to and understands me, unlike you. All you did was discourage me, telling me I'm wasting my time, pushing my morale down further than it already was. Why is it so hard to earn a compliment, earn a little support from you?
You say they don't seem proper, they don't seem like their grades are good, they smoke. On the contrary, I'm one of the wildest among them and we don't do any bad. If anything, they bring out the happiest side of me, and that's why I'd rather go for dance than stay home.

- I'm sorry for him being in my life.

He may have caused a lot of stress to you and I really am truly apologetic for what happened. He's already feeling really guilty about it and I don't want him to feel worse by telling him that you told me to stay away from him, that I can't even go out for simple lunches and dinners with him. He who brought the most laughter and smiles from your daughter. It's no surprise you can't see that because you can't even see that I don't even want to be in the same room as you. I've confessed my sins and repented, feeling stripped away after service today but got reminded of everything again at night. I want to be a new person who seeks first the kingdom of God and it would really help if you just simply forget about the past. I know you mean well by telling me to be careful but the truth is that, you simply have no faith in me; that I know my limits, that I know what I can and cannot do.


With others, I'm actually of worth. With you, I''m so little. So I'm sorry (not sorry) that I'm just going to keep things to myself from now on. You'll never know the details of my life anymore, only that I'm alive and still not enough to satisfy you.

birthday week

The SU gang met up on wednesday (25/9) for an advance celebration!

We ate a shitload of food at Tongluk- courtesy of Ziwen whose mom happened to be the manager of the restaurant.

The siewmai was amazing honestly hehe food on the brain again.

After all the food, they surprised me w a birthday cake and a message in chinese.

Ashamed to say I couldn't understand half of it but the translation made the atmosphere even more lively.

Even though I was embarrassed, I was happy. 

I was thrilled about the gift and their sweet sweet company.

The two girls left us to be alone after a while and we went to the roof of vivo to bask in the sun (not literally but ya)

I love our little do nothings - the small talks, the deep conversations, the silence and the occasional make outs.

I've never felt so right, so myself. 

Well, that concludes my wednesday.

Skyped Aron on thursday (26/9) for God knows why.

Got yelled at for talking to him till 1 but it was worth it.

Oddly, that was the highlight of my day.

And that concludes my thursday.

My dance girls and I planned to meet at 4 on friday (27/9) but guess what, they were late for an hour but all is forgiven because they surprised me with a cake and gifts! 

They really are the best bunch of people I can ever hope for.

They never fail to make trainings fun to go to. 

However, the best news for that day was that I got into Production's Hip Hop item!

Extremely excited to learn and perfect the whole choreography :)

And that concludes my friday.

Princess gang bang on Saturday (28/9) to celebrate both mine and j's birthday!

So glad all 6 of them could make it :)

The birthday girls were forced to wear our tiaras the whole time we were in the zoo.

Most of the children were staring at us, it was super embarrassing.

But I wouldn't have it any other way to spend time with them. 

Each of them, I treasure them differently and everything that happened this year made me cherish them even more, especially with Kelley.

The bffl and I have been through so much this year and I'm so glad she's still in life. 

She the one I'm most afraid to lose and I thank God everyday she's by my side. 

I have to admit, I was dreading it the night before but I'm glad this day turned out wonderful.

That concludes my saturday.

Sunday (29/9), my actual birthday, started amazingly.

Aron surprised me by appearing at my house void deck with two cakes.

I was genuinely shocked and touched that he would do such a thing.

I just thought wow what a stupid boy but I love his mushy ways of showing his love for me. 

Everything was rushed and I was still in disbelief an hour later that that actually happened to me, like I only ever saw those in movies.

Church was the best as usual!

Jeremy delivered his promise and got me flowers (one of my favourite gift this year hehe)

Natalie came as well and that made me even happier.

After church, we walked down and that was when he asked.

He was rather cute about it and I just had to tease him, couldn't help myself.

Got a small durian cake from Kerilyn and of course, I was touched because she went through all that trouble to get it and light the candle as well.

She's one of my greatest blessing whom I'm extremely thankful for.

We were left alone once again after she went home to study, and we went to the playground outside NBSS to have one of our do nothings again.

It was especially special to me, I don't know why.

I just love how comfortable we are with each other.

As cheesy as it sounds, I have to say it.

When we look at each other in the eyes, I can see that he cares for me.

I can see he's sincere about his words, he's real with me.

And I know I can trust him, that I'm safe with him.

I love this feeling.

I love this feeling he gives me, the way he makes me feel.

I'm excited to see him all the time, the way my heart still races every time he holds my hand, every time his arms are around me, or how I just love to lose myself in his kisses, and it's just me and him in that moment.

I blush when I talk about him (credits to my friends who pointed that out to me), I'm still shy whenever he compliments me.

I will never have the courage to admit this to him face to face but I pray he knows even if I don't say it.

I sound like a stupid kid having a crush but it's really how I feel - the luckiest girl alive.

I want to make him feel as blissful, I want to protect him.

The duration may have been short but hey, we've got a long way to go and it's comforting to know that God is working in his life as well. 

Truly, he was and is my best present of all.

I just hope he's as crazy about me (and will not lose this craze anytime soon) as I am about him, though I'd hate to admit that.

It took me a while to accept him, for him to be a big part of my life but I got there in the end.

This feeling is so foreign but I'm taking a leap of faith and welcoming it with open arms because it's Aron.

Anyway, got home and the family celebrated my birthday got it.

Received a mini lecture but I'm determined to do this.

Even if there's a lesson to be learnt, I'm willing to take the risk.

So that concludes my sunday.

An unforgettable birthday, a lovely week, an eventful month.

Learning how to take each day as it comes, trusting God and His plans for me.

For not my will, but His be done :)

penny for my thoughts

"It's the little things."

A phrase I heard one too many times this year.

But it never hit me as hard as it did today - in a positive way.

I'm afraid, of numerous things.

I'm afraid of butterflies.

I'm afraid of not being on time when I should be.

I'm afraid of mismatching my outfits.

But I'm terrified that your affection for me would fade one day.

I give.

That's what's making me hesitant of accepting your actions towards me; your generosity and your protection.

Part of me tells me to let myself fall for you because I am safe in your hands.

Part of me tells me to reject your offers because if it turns out to be just infatuation, I wouldn't be hurt as much.

Like, I want to know what's going on in your life.

And I was surprised that I felt a little jealous when you mentioned you told your ex girlfriend your family issues and not me.

I didn't want to pry because I wanted you to tell me willingly.

But I don't have the rights to feel that way, you see?

I'm not anyone to you.

It's adorable how shy you get when you talk about me, all smiles and whatnot.

It makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl on earth.

At that moment, I dare to say "I want to be with you".

I wanna hold your hand and when we hug, I never wanna let you go, you know?

However, when I'm in my bed at night, that courage fades and "Are you sure?" fills my mind.

Bffl has a good vibe from you because she can tell that you're sincere.

She says she feels right by handing me over to you.

It's reassuring to me, honestly.
I wouldn't know what to do without her.

Also, I've been praying about this.
Just for God to show me a sign that he sent you to me, to make me a better person.
I've got nothing so far.
I'm still waiting though.
In His time :)

...

Sigh.

Show me?
Show me I'll be taking a step in the right direction by letting you become a big part of my life.

roller coaster of a day

Lovely princesses ❤

After presenting all my projects for this sem, I was so excited to seeing my lovely princesses once again, after weeks long of not seeing their faces. 

We had a plan of getting Poon a balloon to congratulate her on getting 1st for F&N (woohoo!)  and so Kelley and I headed to amk hub to hunt for one. 

We bought a star balloon in red and went to sit at some cafe so she could charge her phone and have a drink.

That's when the conversation came up; about me being so caught up with my personal life that I neglected my wonderful group of friends.

I don't see myself changing but apparently, she did. 

She said my ego was soaring because I had two people chasing me and that I've been leaving my friends for the one I like. 

Even Poon said she felt left out. 

It hurts to hear them say that they feel like he's taking over their place in my heart.

That is total and utter bullshit.

I know I was in the wrong for not making the effort to meet them but I didn't expect them to feel this way.

It took all I had to stop myself from crying in front of her because I've never shown this side of myself to anybody before. 

She was brutally honest with me and I thank her for that. (However, she texted me later on, saying she still couldn't bring herself to say everything so there's a part 2 to this conversation.)

We left amk hub for school and didn't manage to be there on time to see her awkward bow on stage. 

It was all on video though /inserts smirking emoticon.

But I did catch a few of my old friends! 

Wanted to walk around to find my dear gb girls but there was no time :( 

This girl saw me though! So we got a picture together yay.

One of my fav girls, Charmaine (sis-in-law, tyvm).

We left for tea party after that things were pretty good there.

I mean we ate and talked as per usual but there was a change in air. 

I don't know what it was but there was definitely a change.

Well, anyway, we parted at the bus stop and as per usual again, we hugged each other before we left. 

It was Kelley's second hug that set me off actually.

I cried after that but seeing as how Chloe was freaking out, I told myself to stop.

The tears came once again when I was on the train it didn't stop till I fell asleep.

My sister even 'counselled' me when she saw that something was wrong and try as I could, I couldn't stop the waterworks.

I thought they had gone since I cried till my chest hurt in the shower, but I was wrong.

To end it off, I guess this day was pretty rough.

At that moment, I felt like I had no one.

No one at all.

super show 5

A costly, amazing night ❤ 

Souvenir takeaways ❤ 

Them boys ❤ 

My fandom, my family ❤ 

Super Show 5.

What else can I say?

It was an amazing and unforgettable night. 

The torturous wait since last year and the even more agonising hours (530AM - 6PM) was worth it in the end. 

After running around collecting cards and banners for 2 hours, it was time to head inside the moshpit. 

Thank God for the Pen C girls, since they organised this so we could get the best spot :)

And so the concert begins....

I was already feeling excited, just thinking about how real and alive they are, just 3 metres away from me. 

The dimming of the lights was a cue for us to scream and so we did. 

The intro vcr brought on more screams.

I won't narrate the whole concert but maybe just the highlights.

1. Amusing introduction.

They all tried introduced themselves one by one in English. Or as everyone else would call it, Engrish. Well they tried their best. The funniest part was when Eunhyuk used Singlish. "I miss you la. Did you miss us la? Are you all having fun la?" Some gave up and used korean/chinese but it was still cool bc translator. Proud Henry just went, "WASSUP SINGAPORE". 

2. How pretty Kangin actually is. 

Like when he dressed up as GaIn, I was seriously taken aback by how pretty he looked even though his physical size was a little awkward in that outfit. With Sungmin as Hyuna, Ryeowook as Bada and Siwon as Son Dambi, they attempted to dance Alone, which resulted in KangIn losing balance lol.

3. Boys in red.

Just having them in red outfits drives me crazy. I mean does everybody not see how their attractiveness increases 10 times when they're in red?????? And the best part was that Eunhyuk was in red with black gloves. MY WEIRD FETISH. I probably lost most of my voice there. 

4. First teardrop.

It was during Daydream. Seeing the white lights and hearing their voices (espcially Kangin's), I just felt so overwhelmed. This was the first time I saw/heard Kangin in a Super Show and the tears just came. I closed my eyes and just sang along, not caring about my going voice. By the way, Daydream fan project success!

5. Eye contact with Eunhyuk.
During Sexy Free and Single, I SWEAR my dancer looked at me. It really took my breath away like oh my god he actually looked at me. I was stunned for a few seconds before shrieking. I actually think he looked over a few times but that could be just the delusional me.

6. Tear stained face.
This happened during their medley ballads. I cried and cried and cried. It got so bad that I had difficulties singing along. I just waved my hands and sang and sobbed all at the same time. I wasn't sure why I cried. Maybe it was because of their voices. Like their voices really soothes me and even the rappers sang so I was really happy. Then the tears wouldn't stop flowing.

7. Sunny.
They taught us how to dance to Sunny and the vcr was really adorable. The camera went around when we did the actions while they were singing. It was like a bonding session haha. With no relation to Sunny at all, the fake guns vcr was really precious and hilarious.

8. Superheroes

 This segment was probably the most precious because seriously, have they no image? It was sooooo nice seeing them let go and just be their playful selves on stage. Bullying each other and annoying each other is really the norm for Super Junior.

9. Tears yet again.
It was during So I if I remember correctly. This song was rarely performed so it was really good listening to it live. Oh and Marry U, I was really surprised I didn't cry here. I just thoroughly enjoyed myself during this song since it was their goodbye song :(

10. Zhou Mi.
I don't even know where to begin. He was and is absolutely flawless. Perfect. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He waved at me a couple of times (or is that just delusional me again). However, the only time I was certain I caught his attention was when I screamed "周觅, 我爱你!" and waved. He definitely looked at me and waved back. I covered my mouth in disbelief and he saw my reaction, and chuckled. Chuckled. He did that adorable chuckle. Like he tilted his head back a little and gave a small laugh. I just about died there and then. And his little leak that '泰玩美' fansign might be held in Singapore had me all excited again. I really hope I'll see you then and tell you just how big an impact you had and have on me. 

11. Mini Solos.
Henry heard us chanting 'Trap' so he gave in to our demands by dancing the pre-chorus and chorus of Trap. I was hoping he'd sing that for solo but there wasn't any solos at all /inserts disappointed face. However, that small bit of singing and dancing had me dancing for joy. Zhou Mi sang 距離的擁抱 which almost made me cry because I would do anything to hear that live. Did you hear us singing both songs, boys? Our love was poured into those small parts of your solo and every second of it was cherished.

12. Speaking up about Only13s.
I'm so thankful and proud of Eunhyuk for speaking up about this matter. Some fans just don't wake up till one of the members say something about this issue which was been around ever since HenMi joined SJM.

Those things that I thought would impact me the most like HOW TO BE DANCER UNNIR didn't hit me as much. They were washed away by the sincerity and emotions of Super Junior.

So blessed to have known this group of people.
Thank you for being in my life and changing it on the way.
Thank you for bringing your fans together and be as a family, even though we don't know each other.
Through all 15 of you, we've found a common ground and became closer.
Remember our pinky promise.
SGELF will see you guys soon again. 

mid-sem holidays

Thinking back about the holidays......

I didn't do anything productive, really.

The first week was occupied with dance and (a rather depressing) StageArts camp.

The second week was filled with dance, elearning assignments and projects.

Now that it has ended, I'm feeling a little guilty for not studying.

Too late for regrets, oh well. 

Now for the highlight of my holidays!

BFFL ❤

Love how this girl can make me smile as if I had no care in the world.

J ❤

Love this daughter to bits.

Gang/Princesses ❤ 

Light of my life.

Had gang bang today at the new JEM! 

I really wish time froze whenever I hung out with my lovelies. 

It's just the way how we're always ourselves when we're with each other and we just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

Yes, we take loads of pictures too. 

But these are just a few of my favourites hehe. 

Tonight was probably the best time I had since the holidays started.

Blessed to have such friends, no, such a family.

beginnings of june

Yesterday was a day full of rushes.
I rushed to meet two friends, whom very kindly agreed to help me get my Super Show 5 tickets!
Well, hello boys. Looks like we'll be meeting again soon! ;)
Rushed to smss next to pass the gb girls their promised ice cream and caught up with Chloe and the junior officers.
Helped the juniors unpitch their tents and even though I didn't get to command them during drills, it just felt really nostalgic.
During lunchtime, I saw this girl struggling to finish her packet of chicken rice and that moment just brought me back to when me and my friends had to find unfinished chicken wings in a tray of chicken bones whilst in Corporal's camp.
Nostalgia once again.
And so, I went around eating the younger ones' leftover.
It all seems like a chore but I truly enjoyed every moment.

Today was a day full of mixed feelings.
The first was because of a certain db boy I didn't expect to see.
Because I promised Jeremy to meet him 2 hours later so I had to rush my lunch (which was shilin, oh the joy) while watching Breaking Dawn part 2 with the sister.
I was 15 minutes late anyway but surprised him with a hug and a belated birthday cake! :)
The second was because the disgustingly tall jem commented on my physical appearance which made me feel horrible to be honest, but what made it okay was the fact that we've been friends for years and I know he's still willing to be part of my life despite knowing my flaws.
And then we somehow managed to goof around till the time of the choir concert and the concert itself was amazing.
Although I slept through most the alumni segment, I could still hear their voices, which were like lullabies.
That was pretty much my highlight of the day, yup.

And I really would cry if anyone said that to me and truly meant it.

no one

bulbasaur to ivysaur

So yesterday was Student Union day camp! 

Since I stayed up till 3AM watching Survivors Caramoan the night before, I was extremely tired the next morning. 

We reached school and found out we're all in different groups so nonetheless, I felt even less thrilled for the events of the day.

During the introduction games, my group was just like *crickets*. 

But, I'm not quite sure how, Grace, Austine and Ashraf and I bonded extremely well. 

I was already sleepy from the beginning but being with them had my stomach aching from laughter.

From the throwing of leaves in the unsuspecting Ash to Austine's scare. 

They gave me to energy to continue playing the games and eventually, we all got wet.

I dare to say Grace, Fatimah and I were the only sporting girls in the group who dared to play all the games. But I choose to believe every single Bulbasaur member had fun.

Though they kept poking fun at my height, they were caring as well.

When there was a sudden downpour during lunch, Austine offered me his dry seat while he took my place closer to the rain. At that moment, he just gave me a brotherly feeling like damn, I wish he was my brother.

Needless to say, they know who my eye candy is and Grace was soooooo excited for me, I don't even know why ahaha.

Pray they keep their mouths shut. 

All in all, I really had fun.

They gave me the energy boost I needed to last the day.

Thankful for such people in my life though only for a short moment.

rekindled friendship

It's just the feeling of a rekindled friendship that got me excited, I guess.

We were close, then we grew apart. But now, I am beginning to feel the connection we once had, again.

Up till now, I'm not exactly sure why we were so distant when we were physically so close to each other everyday. Now that we're so physically far apart, we're starting to inch closer to one another more and more. 

I have to say I really love this. 

uglified

Labour day (01/05)- the day my self esteem was at its lowest. 

I became the guinea pig for my sister's little fashion inspiration and the outfit looked great. But I don't. 

It took great courage to step out of the house, I'm not even kidding. 

On the way to town, I happened to glance up at my reflection in the glass and I was horrified at my image. At that moment, tears welled up and negative thoughts about my appearance flooded my mind. 

And that scared me because I see myself as a rather optimistic person. 

Within those few minutes, I couldn't think of any reason why anyone wanted to acknowledge me as their friend. 
"All of God's creation is beautiful."
I tried so hard to believe that but no, I simply couldn't. 


and I'm sorry.